Mysterious Mayo Death In Peaceful Boulder Neighborhood Shocks Locals

Inhabitants of this Baseline and Foothills neighborhood reported late Sunday a body of yellow goo surrounded by a flapping paper assumed to be a label and a lid with tire tracks which sustained significant damage. Cause of death is not known at this time, but authorities suspect reckless and irresponsible hauling of stuff on a bike and a failing grocery bag. Authorities have identified the victim as a $7 glass jar of Spectrum, made with olive oil (because soy oil sucks) mayonnaise, probably bought at the nearby (2 minutes) Safeway. It is thought that the mayo was accompanied by at least a can of tuna, who escaped from the scene. The tuna is not a suspect at this time. In fact, it is suspected that the mayo and the tuna were soon to be married (hey, love and let love) in a tuna sandwich ceremony. The tire tracks have been identified as coming from a 2013 Novara Verita' purchased recently at the local REI here in Boulder. Authorities are on the look out for an unhelmeted female cyclist from Iowa wearing a black, nicely designed v-neck t-shirt with a woman's face on the front, resembling Michelangelo's delphic sybil from the cystine chapel and the word "Paradisio" on the front. For more information about the workings of this deviant, see the previous post, "The Great Mayo Escape". Safeway employees reported seeing a confused (with sort of a running-late-again look) person who fit this description. The suspect attracted the attention of the employees by continually putting unknown items in the bagging area at the self-checkout and forgetting to push the "Skip Bagging" button. She is suspected to be very young in the head. Residents are requested to call the police if they should see such person, who is likely, they think to return to the scene of the crime, as she is known to be stupidly conscientious and would not want other bikers or children to get giant shards of glass in their tires or feet respectively. 

Local neighborhood shaken by tragic mayonnaise loss. Murder scene outlined in green (because green is cool)